Our own private autism

I got an email from Abby's teachers yesterday, expressing concern about her behavior in school this week. She had been defiant, making inappropriate noises, and even mean to a new girl in her class, telling her she didn't want to sit next to her. Abby's very caring and perceptive teachers wondered if we'd noticed any changes in her behavior at home, or if we had any ideas about what might be causing the changes at school. They theorized that two unusual events -- an early dismissal on Monday for a doctor's appointment and the lockdown drill yesterday -- might have thrown her off.

This is new. In the past, it's been Earl and I who have sent emails to Abby's teachers, alerting them that Abby was going through a rough patch and asking about whether there were any behavior problems at school. Abby's been fine at home, so the email yesterday came as a bit of a shock.

We printed the email and brought it to Abby's therapy appointment yesterday. We already had decided that the early dismissal and the lockdown drill, plus all the changes at home due to the holidays -- Christmas tree in the living room, Advent calendar on the wall -- might have been responsible, at least in part. We wanted to hear what Abby's wonderful therapist had to say about it.

Abby's therapist said that all of the changes in schedule and routine might have had something to do with it, but pointed out that the meanness to the new student was probably due to the very fact that there was a new student. For a child with social difficulties, the introduction of a new person into the stable, safe, figured-out classroom environment could have been pretty upsetting. Her thoughts probably ran something like: How does the new girl fit in? Is she my friend? How do we relate to her? How do I relate to her?

Abby was pretty receptive to talking with me about her week yesterday, so I knew something was up before I even got the email from her teachers. Abby volunteered that she had a tough week and mentioned the lockdown drill (where they were only pretending there was a skunk in the school, not a real skunk, she informed me.) She said the drill was hard, but that she got through it, and then mentioned being mean to the new girl. She couldn't articulate why she was mean, but for her even to recognize the meanness and associate that with having a tough week because of the drill was a breakthrough for her. And to be able to talk calmly about it, too, was a big deal.

She told me she was all better, since she was home. And she was. We had a very smooth evening last night. She was happy and cooperative. I would never have known she had a tough day, let alone a tough week.

I think I'll try to talk with her about the new student today. I may even write a social story for her about it. Sometimes I forget, because of how far she's come, that she still needs help navigating certain situations.

It's situations like these that make me wonder how activist autism mothers do what they do. Where do they find the energy to deal with autism as a cause, when they undoubtedly have situations like Abby's, and many more besides, in their own lives? How do they tackle Autism with a capital A, while simultaneously dealing with their own private, family autism?

I'd love to hear from you, autism moms. You amaze me.