Worry is unproductive but I can't help it

I'm a worrier. Always have been. Usually I can "get past" a worry, or at least get along with it. I'm having trouble with that at this particular moment, however.

Two big worries are on my mind: Abby's success in school, and the H1N1 flu virus.

I hadn't really been worried about the swine flu. We're all healthy; Earl, who is at higher risk because of his asthma, will get the vaccine, and we'll all be fine. We'll wash our hands a lot, I'll disinfect the piano and doorknobs like a madwoman and that will be that. But a healthy 18-year-old from Hingham just died from H1N1. This has given me pause. I'd been thinking that the news coverage has been hype, bordering on sensationalism, but now I'm not so sure.

My second worry was born of the twin events of open house at Abby's school last night, and an impending math test for her today. She is capable of doing the math; we've reviewed all the concepts together and she understands them. But getting her thoughts down on paper, legibly, is really hard for her, and it takes her a really long time.

At open house, her teachers stressed that third grade is a big year, the year in which students go from being little kids to big kids, and independent learners. From ongoing Readers' Notebook assignments to more sophisticated math to independent spelling work to cursive writing, I worry that Abby is going to be faced with big challenges at every turn.

By far the biggest issue for her has to do with output. The physical process of writing her thoughts is really hard for her. Combine this with her low executive function skills, and I fear that the foundation on which her teachers plan to build for more sophisticated learning will be a weak one.

I know they will scaffold these skills for her, but I think I will need to do some extra practice with her at home, too. Not that I mind -- I'm happy to do whatever is needed -- but getting her to comply with extra work is difficult. It may have to be a team effort -- extra work in theory assigned by her teachers, and presented to her as such, but really my doing and my responsibility.

We could start by some extra typing practice. It would be best for her to move toward typing instead of struggling with handwriting, as the output requirements get larger and more complex. Her teachers recognize this, but I don't think the practice time they outlined at open house last night will be sufficient.

The best antidote for worry is action, so I need to create a plan. Right after I wash my hands.

Making room

I came home from church last night to hear a very strange sound from the basement. It was of such low frequency, coming up through the floor, that I almost felt it rather than heard it.

I knew Earl and the kids were downstairs, so I didn't really pay it much mind, and walked around on the main floor for a good five minutes before I realized that it was Earl playing his bass.

Earl hasn't played for years. He did some gigging in the early years of our marriage, but was far more interested in the orchestra business than in being a performer. And then, he left his job at New England Conservatory (he had been the ensembles manager for the prep division), joined Prudential, and has been enjoying his career ever since. He's rarely picked up the bass in that time.

Sadly, the bass has been in the basement for at least 5 years, ever since it was moved out of the "extra" bedroom that became Brian's and Timmy's room. It is in need of repair, although the sound is still decent -- no rattling or anything. I suggested that he take it to The E String, with another one of my 20% off coupons, but he quickly informed me that it would be at least a $5000 repair. Perhaps another day.

We looked around the house for better place to store the bass, but it's not something that one can fit just anywhere. We finally decided on the corner behind the piano, which necessitated some rearranging of toys, books, and our gigantic Christmas cactus, which should be getting ready to bloom soon. (The plant's internal clock is a bit off; I call it my Veterans' Day cactus.)

Because of the rearranging, I buckled down and dealt with my disaster of a bookshelf and the numerous piles of music books on the piano. I now have a very organized set of drawers where the messy bookshelf used to be, and all my piano teaching music is clearly labeled. The piles on the piano are gone, or rather, relocated to the basement, until I can go through them and put them away, which will also mean going through lots and lots of old files that are stacked up in front of my music bookshelves down there. It's just as well, though. I've been thinking that we probably don't need to save every note from every team meeting from Abby's preschool years any more. They're not of any practical value now, and I'm certainly not sentimental about the files, nor the times from which they came.

So the living room, which is also my teaching room, now has more open space, along with Earl's bass in the corner. (There are also four violins in the room, and another one upstairs, but that's another blog post.) I dread dealing with the piles downstairs, but will do it 15 minutes at a time if I have to, until it's all done.

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Abby had a pretty rough day today, with no school for the Yom Kippur holiday. Now that I'm thinking about all the rearranging we've done in the house, I wonder if that's what threw her off. She was really out of control at times.

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If it was the environment that was making Abby crazy, then maybe it's what enabled me not to be crazy in dealing with her this afternoon. I'm always better put-together, mentally, in orderly surroundings. That is not to say my surroundings are always orderly, but that I'm much more serene when they are.

As long as I stay in the living room, I can be a calm mama. Ohm.

Good news

I've blogged many times about my struggles with being overweight. In mid-August, my dear friend Elaine gave me a book called Lose it for Life. It's different from other weight-loss books I've read, in that it really made me think not only about what I eat, but why I'm eating it.

It's also different because it approaches weight issues from a Christian perspective. I was initially skeptical, thinking that it would be written in the evangelical/born-again/over-the-top approach that I really have never been able to relate to. I was pleasantly surprised in this regard.

Because of this book, I've been making small changes in my eating and exercise habits, as well as trying to manage stress differently, and making time to nurture myself spiritually. It's been up and down, both the effort and the scale, but this morning, I made the pleasant discovery that I have lost 5% of my body weight since August 23rd.

Five percent is a fraction of what I need to lose in order to bring my weight into a healthy range, but it is a significant start. God is good.

Weekly wrap-up

Things are moving at a pretty fast pace around here, and I'm not blogging as much as I'd like. Here's the weekly wrap-up of the lives and times of the Fay family:

• Abby continues to make progress on her new violin. I received the "Don't Fret" in the mail and successfully installed it myself, albeit with nervously shaking hands. She's working on dynamics for "Long, Long Ago" and has a pretty good feel for the terraced dynamics. We're working on crescendo and diminuendo. which are harder.
• Brian is nearly finished with the Twinkle variations on piano. He learned legato playing this week, and is justifiably proud of himself. We will probably start Honeybee today or tomorrow.
• Timmy and I are falling into a good routine for school days, playing games after lunch and each having our quiet time at 1:00. He had a playdate yesterday, which he enjoyed very much, despite the fact that I inadvertently locked the hosts out of their own house.
• Earl has given two Special Needs Solutions presentations this week, which were very well-received. He's at a conference all day today, doing the same presentation for the Brain Injury Association of Massachusetts Caregiver Conference.

I'm plugging away with my various activities: teaching, writing, FLYing, mothering. I had an arts feature in the Ledger this week, about local orchestras and their fall concerts. My story on Tommy MacDonald and Bob Richard, who create custom-made furniture by hand, came out in the October issue of South Shore Living magazine. And this is a "Just a Minute" week, as I posted below.

I also had writers' group on Monday, which was very helpful for fine-tuning a query letter, which I sent on Tuesday. I think it's a perfect pitch for a national niche magazine, and am hoping that the managing editor thinks the same thing. I'll follow up with her next week.

I'm still up a little, down a little, weight-wise. We soldier on, as my sister would say. I've been enjoying my daily walks and really look forward to them. Today is a work-out-with-Abby day, doing weightlifting at the Y.

Last night there was a dessert potluck and social for the Milton PAC, the Special Education Parents' Advisory Council. It was really fun, and wonderful to see so many families there. My family and this group have had a bit of a rough road at times, and I was relieved and happy that everyone was so friendly, and appeared willing to let bygones be bygones.

It's a three-day weekend, as the kids have no school on Monday because of Yom Kippur. I'm hoping we can do something fun that day, maybe apple-picking.

And that's the week that was. Time to make breakfast.

Honey-dos and don'ts

Here's today's family column, about my two lists: the Honey-do and the Honey-don't. Enjoy.

New violin for Abby

Abby started violin with a new teacher on Monday. The first thing her new teacher did was to confirm what I've suspected for at least six months: she has outgrown her 1/4 size violin.

So, today, after a full morning of practicing, exercise and swimming lessons, Abby and I headed over to The E String, a relatively new string instrument shop in Quincy. I had blogged about it when we tried out a new restaurant right across the street last fall, but hadn't had the occasion to visit until today.

It's a pretty small shop, but there are lots of violins, violas and cellos of all sizes for sale and rental. My thought was that we would simply rent a violin, since it would have to be traded up for the next size within a year or two. But, after speaking with the proprietor, we realized that it actually was more economical to buy, even given the growth factor; we'll get 75% credit on the purchase price when we go to trade up for the next size.

To top it off, I subscribe to the South Shore Sudden Values e-mail, and The E String had a 20% off coupon on strings and tuners in the e-mail. Of course, the coupon didn't apply to instruments or shoulder rests (which we also needed) but the owner decided to honor the coupon for our entire purchase. So, even given that we didn't buy the most expensive 1/2 size violin, we still got quite a deal. We are the proud owners of a violin with decent tone, a bow, case and shoulder rest, for $177.

Of course, we realize that Abby will have a bit of an adjustment period to the bigger instrument, and the fingerboard isn't marked yet. I ordered a Don't Fret for her new violin on eBay for less than $4 with free shipping -- much better than some other online places who wanted $5 for the Don't Fret and another $4 for shipping! Anyway, that should be here next week, and then Abby will really be off and running.

All in all, a lot of musical equipment for a very reasonable cost. Anyone in the area looking for a good student instrument, check out The E String on Cottage Ave. in Quincy.

Sunny Friday

We've reached Friday of the first week of our full fall family schedule. Despite a rough start on Monday, the week was a pretty good one.

I've written before that I swear by to-do lists, but I'm now completely addicted. Between the daily lists, email reminders (from myself and FlyLady), my teaching schedule, the kids' morning and evening routines, and their new reward chart, we had a very efficient week.

More on the reward chart: A few weeks ago, tired of constantly telling the kids what to do and when to do it in the morning and at bedtime, I borrowed my dear friend Kathleen's idea and created written routines for them.

Here is Brian's morning routine. Now, all three kids were all excited about their routines when I first created them, but the luster was wearing off last week, and I found myself having to remind them to get moving in the mornings, often with yelling. It's not a good way to start the day.

So I found a reward chart online, tweaked it to include rewards they really like (Abby and Timmy like movies or TV; Brian is motivated by cold, hard cash) and told them they would get a star for every day that they completed their morning routines without being reminded.

It worked like magic for a couple of days. All three kiddos were talking about their reward charts a lot, counting their star stickers and calculating how many days it would be until they'd reach the first reward level.

Then, Abby had a tough morning on Wednesday. She managed to complete her routine, but with no small amount of intervention (and, to be honest, frustration) from me.

Later that day, I realized I was sabotaging my own system. There was no need for me to intervene, and certainly no need for me to yell. If she completes her tasks, she will get a star. If she doesn't, she won't. Simple.

Thursday morning, she again seemed headed for a tough time. I pulled her aside, and calmly explained to her that she had her routine and she knew what she had to do. I told her that I wasn't going to yell, or even to remind her, but that if she gave me trouble with anything (such as brushing her hair or practicing her violin) I was simply going to walk away, and come back when she was calmer.

She still didn't seem to understand the impact this would have on her morning, so I connected the dots for her: if I was going to walk away and wait until she was calm to come back and help her, that would take more time. The more time each step on the routine took, the less likely it would be that she would complete her whole routine before we had to leave for school. And, of course, if she didn't complete the routine, she wouldn't be able to have a star for that day.

Then she saw the light. After trying to argue with me a little ("But I want you to yell!") and testing me with hair-brushing and practicing (from which I walked away, in both instances), she settled down, did the rest of her tasks, and was all smiles when she could pick a shiny star for her chart. And this morning, she moved through her routine with no problem.

I don't believe the reward chart will work forever, but it's been a very good and simple solution for us as our schedules have gotten busier this month. And, because we've been consistently practicing in the mornings, Abby has learned all of "Long, Long Ago" since Tuesday, and Brian has blown through two Twinkle variations (piano) since last weekend, plus the G major and D major scales. They're very proud of themselves, as they should be.

We're rushing less and doing more, and making music, too. It's a great way to start the day.