A little reflection

I haven't been writing in this space too much. Some of that is due to being busy writing for other spaces. Most of it is that I just haven't had too much that I've wanted to share.

It's been a tough few weeks, frankly. I did feel a good energy and productivity bounce when the kids returned to school on Monday after a week-plus at home, but overall, I've been in a bit of a funk. Not feeling good about my mothering skills, my patience level, my home, my body, you name it, I'm funky about it.

My candidate lost my town's selectman's race (by 32 votes -- approximately 1%) and I've had a number of Charlie Brown-like experiences -- trying to do nice things and having them backfire; inadvertently inserting my car into the middle of a funeral procession to the annoyance of the mourners; being pestered by neighborhood dogs -- it just seems like it never ends.

I was talking with a friend today and realized, as I was explaining it to her, that a number of things in my usual schedule have been thrown off, too, sometimes with snowball effects. I didn't get to do my yoga last Sunday because the kids didn't all go to church with Earl. I didn't get to do my usual Wednesday-morning-paperwork extravaganza because I had an early medical appointment (which I was almost late for, because I didn't expect to have to pry open my frozen car doors or scrape the frost off my windshield on April 28, for crying out loud.) So the tension is building, as is the paper pile, which leads to more tension. But at the end of the long days of this week, all I've wanted to do is crawl into bed, paper pile or no paper pile.

Last night, the kids were awful, awful, and had an earlier-than-lately bedtime. Feeling relieved that they were in bed before I was dead tired, myself, I thought I'd watch a little TV. Everyone raves about Mad Men, so I picked an episode from the On-Demand menu, and was promptly disturbed by the opening titles, which showed an animated silhouette of a man falling next to a skyscraper. Instantly I was transported back to September 12, 2001, when Katie Couric held up the front page of The New York Times on the "Today" show. The photo was of a well-dressed businessman, free-falling to his certain death with the World Trade Center in the background.

Maybe it's more than a funk. I think I'm having a really tough time.

Now, if I go the raindrops-on-roses-and-whiskers-on-kittens route, I have many things to be cheerful, or at least un-funky, about. Overall good health. A wonderful husband; three great kids. A home, meaningful work I enjoy, a comfortable standard of living. I know all these things, and am so thankful for them. Really.

I think what I am is tired. Tired physically, from cutting out most sugar in my diet and pushing myself to exercise more, and never getting as much sleep as I really need. Tired of hearing "Mom!" 84 times a day; tired of the routine of work and caring for a family and a house. I wish we could go on a vacation, just Earl and me, and rest for a week. I think that would recharge me, more than anything.

Since I don't see that as a possibility in the near future, I think I'll go to bed early. Goodnight.