Monday, August 31, 2009

Where's that hunger coming from?

I had a deadline today, for a magazine article that will run sometime in the winter. I'd had the assignment (loosely) since April, but hadn't been able to complete the research until the beginning of August, several weeks ago. True to form, last night found me ensconced on the couch, laptop on my legs, banging away at what writer Anne Lamott semi-affectionately calls the "shitty first draft," the day before the assignment was due.

The circumstances weren't really as dire they sound. I'd completed my rough outline and the beginning of the article on Saturday night; got up early on Sunday and got 2/3 of it done then; and just had to finish last night so I could get up early and edit this morning. But I had trouble focusing last night, particularly on writing smooth transitions between one idea and the next.

It wasn't made any easier by my being hungry. Now, I had eaten a full dinner just a couple of hours before then; there was no way my body could truly have needed more food. And I didn't really want just any food, as I learned when I pondered some raw carrots for a nanosecond. No, healthy veggies or fruits would not do; I needed zucchini bread.

I'm newly on the healthy living wagon once again. There are many reasons -- the numbers on the scale; the way the clothes (don't) fit; the cholesterol numbers, too high for my comfort; hitting the big 4-0. Another reason was a book my dear friend Elaine gave me, which explains in detail the difference between physical hunger and emotional hunger.

What, you may ask, is emotional hunger?

I can give you examples from my own life:
  • Craving zucchini bread when clearly not physically hungry but feeling the pressure of a looming deadline
  • Dipping into a stash of Hershey's Kisses (or chocolate chips, in a pinch) when what I'd really like to do is scream at my kids -- or sometimes after screaming at my kids
  • Wandering to the fridge when bored, or lonely, or sad. This happens less frequently than it did a few years ago, but it still happens.

***

We went to Canada last week. We'd been there the previous week, too, when Elaine and her husband, Arnold, threw me a surprise birthday party. They really are wonderful friends to us, honorary grandparents to our children, and marvelous neighbors. Well, marvelous former neighbors, because their house has sold, and they moved out between our two visits, heading to Oregon to be with their own daughter and grandchildren.

Instead of welcoming lights, the red house next door stood empty when we arrived on Thursday. I sighed and swallowed hard, and headed into our petite maison to start unpacking for our short stay. I was seized by an urge for a snack -- again, not just any snack -- something sweet and full of carbs. I actually had my hand on the granola bar, having talked myself out of the cookies, before I realized that I wasn't hungry, and it was probably my sadness about Elaine and Arnold moving that was making me want to eat.

I left the granola bar in the cabinet and kept unpacking. Five minutes later I was sitting in the kids' bedroom, crying my eyes out.

I never cry.

Well, I guess I should say I rarely cry; I can't remember the last time I cried from sadness. This is a good thing, right? I'm generally happy and don't need to cry.

But after those feelings came out, first by myself, then on Earl's shoulder, I truly did feel better. I was still sad, and still am today, but there was an emotional release I hadn't felt in a long, long time. And no granola bars or cookies were harmed to achieve it.

***

As for my procrastination-induced emotional hunger on Sunday: I did have a small piece of zucchini bread, finished the shitty first draft, and went to bed with a clear conscience. I made the necessary edits this morning and submitted the article before the editor's office opened for the day. Success.

I'm feeling even more successful that I'm starting to recognize this emotional eating pattern in myself, and taking small steps to change it.

1 comment:

cmmoore said...

Ah, emotional eating. One of the traits in our family that runs quite strong. We are all guilty of it.

That said, you probably WILL be hungry over the next couple weeks anyway, now that you are back on the healthy wagon. Your body will need to adjust to the different foods and amounts. Don't starve yourself (but remember, we won't starve), but don't give in to false alarms.

Couple things - drink an entire glass of water and wait 10 minutes to see if you really ARE hungry. Sometimes our bodies fool us into thinking we need food, when we really need water.

Chew gum. Overeaters like us have at least SOME kind of oral fixation, and since we don't smoke, try chewing gum. That often helps.

Get up and MOVE. Seriously.Walk around your house into every room. Lean over and stretch those hammies. Pull your arms up over your head, stretch your chest, inhale and exhale deeply. It will get the blood moving and you'll feel less bored for a few moments, anyway - maybe enough to get the feeling to pass.

I am sorry Elaine left; I know she was one of your saviors. I don't think, though, that she was the main reason you were crying. Lots of changes happening right now (big birthday this month, etc), and change is hard. Elaine's empty house, however, was a physical beacon of change, one you could not overlook in a reflective, quiet moment.

Be gentle with yourself in the coming weeks. Change is good, but our bodies, our minds, our hearts need time to adjust. xox