Last weekend's family column

My column for GateHouse never made it online last weekend. Here it is.

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League of Maternal Justice

I had just finished getting the kids a snack when my four-year-old coyly asked, “Mom, do you know what kind of ice cream I have in my cup?”

Having just put the carton away, it wasn’t much of a challenge. “Chocolate chip?”

His eyes widened, clearly impressed. “Mom! Do you have x-ray vision?”

Little did he realize that, over the past nine years, I’ve developed a number of superpowers that are common to all mothers. X-ray vision is one of them, useful not only for identifying mystery ice cream flavors, but also for spotting contraband candy in pockets, as well as books secreted away under pillows for clandestine reading after lights-out.

While my near-distance vision isn’t what it used to be – zoom is now a favorite feature on my laptop – I’ve developed the amazing power of micro-vision. This power spots germs on unwashed hands, insufficiently crumpled tissues and shared toys with amazing accuracy, much to the little germ-monsters’ chagrin. When they ask me how I can see the germs, I smile knowingly, choosing to keep this superhuman ability a secret, for now, and tell them to go wash their hands.

Maternal superpowers aren’t confined to vision, however. When my firstborn learned to walk, the sudden ability of my arms to reach her at the very moment she was going to fall, or pull something down onto her head, was uncanny. As the kids have gotten older, this arm elasticity has increased, to cope with new threats posed by bicycles, baseball bats and poorly-tethered Christmas trees. It will be put to the ultimate test in a few years, when the little darlings want the car keys. I foresee some prophylactic key-snatching on my part.

While these powers constitute a formidable arsenal against the forces of evil encountered during childrearing, there are a few other abilities that would be useful, too. Take flying, for example. A little Superman-style cruising would really cut down on the time spent getting to a vacation destination. Parking hassles would be a dim memory, and those college campus visits in a few years would be a breeze.

I’d also like a pair of Wonder Woman bracelets. If they’re strong enough to repel bullets, I could certainly put them to good use deflecting criticism of my parenting skills or pleas to help out with the latest PTO project. And rude gestures and honking from that impatient driver behind me as I’m waiting to turn into the school parking lot? Talk to the bracelet, buddy.

My children don’t see the powers I don’t have, however. They’re in awe (although sometimes in denial) of my ability to foil their mischievous plans and keep them out of harm’s way.

It’s been said that with great power comes great responsibility. Thank goodness that for mothers, with great responsibility comes great power. We’ll keep on saving the day, just as our mother and grandmothers did before us. Ready, ladies? Up, up, and away!

Copyright 2010 GateHouse Media, Inc.