Changes

All week, we've been telling the kids about the guests we're having for Thanksgiving: my mom, my brother and his family, all coming from Rochester; and my sister and her husband, who live locally. The kids have been very excited about it, especially about playing with their cousin.

Yesterday we got a call from my mom with some bad news: they had a flat tire, just outside of Syracuse. Fortunately, they were able to get not only one but two new tires, and replace a tie rod, and get back on the road. Unfortunately, the delay meant they wouldn't be here for dinner, as planned.

Abby, who already was revving a little higher than normal because of the half-day at school, had a really hard time coping with the change. She had heard Earl talking with my mom, and we casually mentioned the delay to all three kids. We later noticed that Abby was getting more and more agitated, and saying the types of things she often does when upset:

"I don't want them to come."

"I'll make Thanksgiving dinner myself."

"I don't even like Mairi (her cousin)."

"I hate Thanksgiving. I don't want to see Grammie."

Of course, none of these things are true. We couldn't really talk her down very well, either, so I decided the direct approach might work better. I sat all three kids down on the couch.

"OK, kids, I want to tell you about a change. Are you ready? Here comes a change."

("OK, it's just a little change," said Abby.)

"First of all," I continued, "here's what is NOT changing. Our guests are still coming. They will be here for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. We will still see Grammie, Uncle Keith, Auntie Jen and Mairi. They will be here.

"Now, here's what's different. They thought they would be here for dinner tonight. They are later than they thought they would be. They are still coming but they won't get here until after you are in bed. You will see them tomorrow morning."

They all thought about that for a minute. Timmy nodded, shrugged and slid off the couch. Brian asked a couple of follow-up questions, but seemed okay, too.

But poor Abby. She understood what was happening, but still had such a hard time. She didn't throw a tantrum or anything like that, but she did more perseverative behavior than usual, and was hovering a couple of inches off the ground until bedtime.

It's not clear to me whether it was the change itself that caused this behavior, or (more likely) dealing with the disappointment that came with the change. Abby is much better at handling negative emotions than she used to be, but it's still a struggle sometimes.

The strangest thing was that Abby initiated a conversation with Earl on the way home from school yesterday -- before she knew about the change -- about how she doesn't do the "back and forth" type of talk any more. This refers to the "I want to/I don't want to" perseveration, and also her penchant for saying exactly the opposite of what she really means.

So we wonder: why did she decide to talk about that, out of the blue? My theory was that she was feeling a little unsettled from the change in the school schedule, and maybe she felt the "back and forth" urge coming on and was trying to talk herself out of it.

She's becoming more self-aware all the time, and we're really proud of her for that. But sometimes, changes are just too much. Hopefully, today she'll feel better, and will be able to enjoy our guests and move beyond yesterday's challenges. We'll all be thankful for that.