I never went dancing.
My roommate used to come home and tell me tales of dancing on the speakers at McDuff's, knowing she and her sisters would never die young like the good ones in the song.
I never went "downtown."
In my tiny, frozen college town, the biggest -- maybe the only -- draw was the few bars (don't call them "clubs") on Friday or Saturday nights. Or any other night, come to think of it. But I didn't really drink; didn't (and still don't) like beer, and my budget didn't allow for mixed drinks at Maxfield's. Not that I was of age or prone to get a false document stating that I was.
What did I do in college? Studied, practiced; improved my French and learned some German. Learned a little art history, studied acting, did some performing. Edited term papers. Dated the same guy for nearly the whole four years.
And I feel cheated, like I somehow missed out on a whole lot of living, while I was young and unencumbered enough to do it.
What would I have done differently? I can't say I would have gone dancing. I love to dance, and like to think I'm reasonably adept, but cannot stand loud music. Loud anything, really.
I certainly wouldn't have gone downtown. I hadn't discovered wine yet, and every place would have had loud music, anyway. Plus I wouldn't have known what to say to anyone, even if I could have been heard.
I wouldn't have changed any of my studies. I would still have edited friends' writing. (This could have told me something, had I been ready to listen.) I would still have performed and practiced.
But if I could do it all over again, I wouldn't be afraid to be alone, instead of in a relationship that I knew, even at the time, could not be the answer. I would have liked to date other men, perhaps, but I like to think I would have been strong enough and secure enough and confident enough and happy enough to be on my own and be satisfied with that. Maybe even to thrive.
I know this does not matter; I was who I was, and would not change my life now, nor any of the happy encumbrances that are part of it.
But I still wonder what might have been.
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3 comments:
I think we all wonder at some time in our lives - and sometimes quite often - about what (or who) we could have been...
Wow.
a) Never knew many of those things about you.
b) You didn't miss much downtown. Knowing that you are like me in some ways, you would have hated the bars. I went a few times, mostly on quiet nights. It was tolerable only for the company, not the scene itself.
c) I wonder how we all would have changed. The people we chose to be with as friends, lovers, compatriots. The opportunities we would have seized or ignored. The second career path we might have taken as our first.
I had an opportunity at a "restart" after high school, but I often wonder how life would have been different had I gone from HS straight to college. I would not have met and fallen in love with my wife. I would probably have failed out for I wasn't ready for college at the time.
I would not have met you, and your 'dead-end' boyfriend, or the fraternity of lifelong brothers into which he shepherded me. I can be thankful now for that which I treasure, and mercifully forgetful of... the rest. Hopefully the folks I've met and wronged can be equally forgetful.
I have to tell you that much of this I didn't know about you either - so ditto on what Vinny said.
What I find interesting is that I shared much of the same feelings as you did - I just acted on them differently.
I did have the falsified docs and used them till I was of age, I went DT and danced. I hate loud music and honestly - I look back and don't wish to repeat the experience.
I Don't think you missed anything in those bars ( definitely NOT CLUBS).
But afraid to be alone? I only recently got over that. Just in time to live with someone else and that was the most difficult challenge in my life. Living with someone at the exact moment you are comfortable living with just you.
Excellent post - I really feel connected by that to you!
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